


Bilbo & Thorin

by Cluck_and_Peck



Series: Write ALL the Hobbit AUs! [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dharma & Greg AU, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-05 10:50:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3117419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cluck_and_Peck/pseuds/Cluck_and_Peck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dharma and Greg AU</p><p>In which polar opposites meet, fall in love and get married, all in the space of one tiny little day. And to think, it all started on a subway station.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Thorin walked into the subway, his feet quick under his feet but stopped before the empty platform. He bounced on the balls of his feet, willing the train to pull in, glancing at his watch, impatient.

“Come on, come on.”  He ran a hand through already dishevelled hair.

“Something wrong young man?” An old man standing next to him said with an amused air. Thorin barely controlled his response to growl out a reply, impatiently. His therapist had him working on it but from the amused look on the man’s face he didn’t seem to have done a very good job of hiding it.

“No just need to get to work.”

“Court deposition eh, young Thorin?”

The younger man turned arrowed eyes upon the man. “How do you know my name?”

“Well I was there at your naming ceremony after all, your name is something I’m rather familiar with. In fact, I was the one who made the suggestion to Thrain in the first place.”

“I’m sorry have we met?”

“Gandalf, dear boy.”

And Thorin remembered that his father had often talked about a man called Gandalf who was supposed to be quite infuriating. If all their meeting were anything like this one, he could see where Thrain was coming from.

“Ah yes, I’ve heard about you.”

Luckily the awkward conversation was cut short when the train pulled in and one hand tucking the documents and files close to his chest, Thorin waited impatiently for the doors to open and then everything stopped.

A woman stood right in front of him and he was struck by the sight of her. The goldilocks-esque curls escaping the messy bun, the drab grey coat brightened up with splashes of paint and the smattering of freckles across her nose had him riveted. And then she smiled, a sweet genuine smile with perfectly imperfect teeth that crooked to the left and she stepped out as he stepped in. The doors closed and they were both suddenly on opposite sides of the window and she waved at him while he continued to gape and just as he finally mustered up the courage and coordination to wave back the train pulled out leaving a rather desolate Thorin just standing there like an idiot.

“Dumbass.” A shrill voice said and he was made aware of the shrewish woman with the bitter yet satisfied edge to her smile.

Thorin vowed to himself that he would find that woman if it was the last thing he did if only to prove the random lady on the subway wrong.

He was most certainly _not_ a dumbass.

* * *

Unfortunately, he realised as he walked in through the doors and into the building, he had no idea where to start.

“Thorin, finally, you got the files?”

“Yes.”

He sounded as dazed a he felt and Dwalin looked him over in concern.

“What’s wrong?”

“I met Her.”

“Her?”

“You know, Her. The One.”

“You’re not making any sense mate.”

“I met a girl on the subway.”

“And?”

“And I should have gone after her, should have talked to her.”

“Wait a minute,” Dwalin narrowed his eyes. “You’re telling me you’re smitten with some chick you met on the subway that you never even talked to?”

“...Yes.” It was a testament to how stunned Thorin was that he didn’t even think of how Dwalin was going to hold this over his head for the rest of his life.

The bald man chuckled as he pushed the door to Thorin’s office open. “I can’t believe you-“

“What took you so long?” Said a voice and even as Thorin panicked at the thought of someone gaining access to his office he calmed because that was a nice voice, sweet, wry with a hint of amusement to it that seemed to be permanent. And it belonged, as he found out in the next second, to the girl form the train.

“Wha-Uh-How did you-?”

“Find you?” She finished for him.

“Yeah?” Thorin found that there was an ache in his face. It took him a while to figure out that it was from the smile that had taken up permanent space on his face. He wasn’t used to smiling.

“Thorin Durinson, assistant Erebor Attorney files mob indictment.” She read out from the newspaper and held it out in front of her for him to read. “And Gandalf might have given me a clue when he caught me waving like an idiot at where you’d been for five straight minutes even though you weren’t there.” She said sheepishly and ducked her head.

“That’s amazing!”

And a bit creepy. Still, _he_ had been about to use his authority to gain access to camera feeds of the subway station to find out who she was, so who was he to judge?

“This is Subway girl?” Dwalin asked and she grinned even brighter, an overjoyed expression on her face.

“Aww, you already told your friends about me?” She teased. He might have been more embarrassed if it hadn’t been for the genuine happiness on her face. “I’m Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins.” She said and stuck her hand out. Dwalin shook it first and made an excuse to leave, shutting the door behind him. She still had it outstretched for Thorin to take and so he did but found that he couldn’t quite bring himself to let it go.

“Bilbo Baggins?” That sounded like a boy’s name.

“Yeah I know, my Dad had a ‘cosmic feeling’ that I was going to be a boy and couldn’t really think of anything else when time came to file the birth certificate.” She elaborated with an exasperated shrug of shoulders. She put the newspaper down and pulled him behind her with the hand he had yet to let go of. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“We obviously know each other on a spiritual level, I mean having an Istari preside over our meeting was clue enough but on a practical level? We have a lot o catching up to do.”

“You lost me.” It was not common for Thorin to be in such a state, he was very, very smart. And what was an Istari anyway? Why did that word sound familiar?

“I know but I promise I won’t let it happen again.”She led him into the elevator and Thorin realised it was the first day he’d be clocking out of work early. Totally worth it. “Do you like conkers?” She asked as the elevator doors closed on them.

Thorin didn’t know what conkers was but if she liked it he liked it.

“Yeah sure.”


	2. Chapter 2

“So you actually meant conkers?” Thorin swung the snail shell with the thread running through it. Bilbo was destroying his snail shell systematically, he could see the little fractures forming on the swirl adorned surface.

“Yep, conkers. Why, what did you think I meant?”

“I don’t know, I thought maybe conkers was the name of some band or something.”

She inhaled sharply, a surprised grin on her face. “Do you know, it _is_ a band! My band in fact!”

“You were in a band?”

“Oh, I am a very musical person. Watch!” She began picking up rocks and pebbles from different places in the park they were in and arranged them in front of her. “Ready?” She smiled at him and wiggled her eyebrows in silent question and he grinned as well.

With her own conker she began tapping at the stones and a melody arose. It was such a naturally calming sound that it took him a while to recognise the melody and when he did he grinned even more.

“Is that the Misty Mountains?”

“Yes, how’d you know?”

“My dad used to sing it to me.”

“It is so cool, that’s why I love Erebor so much,  anytime anyone gets drunk, they start singing it!”

“Far over the misty mountains cold-“ Thorin hummed and the pair took turns singing the song alternating between the lines with barely concealed glee. It earned them a fair few whistles and stares, random passer bys joining in on the song but one man took offense.

“Hey halfling, knock it off.”

Thorin grew cold. “Excuse me?”

The man with his long blond hair and snooty face looked straight out of Mirkwood and if his disdain for that beloved song was anything to go by he probably was from Mirkwood after all.

“I wasn’t talking to you.” He scoffed.

“Well you are now.”

“And who might you be?” The man asked, his eyebrow flying up until it reached his hairline.

“Thorin Durinson, Justice department. We have two options, either you apologise to the lady or we can take a ride over to Customs and look into those starlight gemstones you’ve hung on your neck.”

The man glared at him but cowed down anyway.

“Sorry.” He said and although he didn’t mean it in the least, the giant grin spreading on Bilbo’s face was enough for Thorin.

“It’s okay.” She said sweetly and turned to Thorin with big eyes while the blond pushed his nose up in the air again and left. “That was so sweet! No one’s ever intimidated anyone for me before.” She put her arm on his shoulder, elbow bent and leaned against him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He said more softly than he had known himself capable of.

“You deserve an award.”

“Do you have anything particular in mind, milady?”

“I was thinking pie. Do you like pie?”

“I love pie.”

“Alright then, come on.” She stood and with her hand in his walked him out of the park that they only gotten into a half hour ago.

“Where are we going?”

Bilbo turned around then, a grave expression on her face and Thorin was lost in the blue grey eyes.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” He answered and was surprised to find that he would have followed her to the end fo the Earth. He was awarded with a big smile that made her eyes turn into crescents and a kiss on the cheek.

“Then come on!”

* * *

“We’re in Bree.” Thorin stated watching the people walk past the little diner they were seated in. Outside he could see a twenty four hour chapel across the street and reminded himself that this was the home of easy weddings.

“Yes.”

“All the way across Arda in Bree.”

“Yes.”

“For pie.”

“Yes.”

“...You’re right this is the best pie I’ve ever had, how did you find this place?”

“We lived in Bree for four years while Dad got his pilot’s license.”

“I didn’t know that it took four years to get a pilot license.”

“It doesn’t, only took me a few months.” She said flippantly and Thorin was glad he hadn’t taken the bite he had raised to his mouth because he might have choked on it.

“You have a pilot’s license.”

She shrugged. “I got bored. Even Mom got a license though she needs it to fly to Hobbiton which has a private airfield but no flights go there, you know?”

“Hobbiton?”

“It’s a place in Shire, that’s where my parents are from, I lived there for a while too.”

“Is there a place in Arda you haven’t lived in?”

She frowned and looked into the distance, obviously thinking over it seriously and Thorin realised he’d managed to fall head over arse for a woman who took ‘worldly-wise’ to a whole new level.

“Oh, I haven’t lived in Mordor!” She said excitedly.

“No one live sin Mordor, not since that nuclear plant exploded!”

She threw her head back and laughed.

“Aww man it is so good to be with a person who actually believes that! My ex thought that Mordor was actually a magical place where the government breeds unicorns to capture their farts and convert it into a lethal neurotoxin that they’ll use to level the cities that rebel against the regime.” She said in one breath before taking a dainty little nibble of pie complete with darting tongue that was so distracting that he almost didn’t hear what she said.

“...Wait, what?”

“You know the wildest part? That was my longest relationship to date!” Thorin couldn’t help but laugh. “What about you, how do you usually do your relationships.”

He tensed and pulled his limbs into himself making a face. “Me? Well I don’t usually take days off work to go have picnics in the park to play conkers and then fly to Bree.”

“Then what do you do?”

“Well I’d...exchange phone numbers with you first  and we go out on a few dates, things would go great at first, I’d be polite and charming until I forget you exist, stop calling, then you leave a message on the phone, I realise I’m in a relationship, I freak out about being in a relationship then get used to the idea of it anyway, I call, you hang up, I call again, you still don’t talk to me, I show up at your place with flowers only to find you out on  date with someone else and we have a big fight in the hallways after which you tell me that if I ever contact you again you’ll take a restraining order out against me.”

Or at least that’s how it had gone with Gloria.

“Wow.” Bilbo said and it was apparent from her voice that he had freaked her out. “that’s going to be tough since I don’t have a phone.”

“Believe me I have no intention of screwing this up, especially not with _you_.” He couldn’t help but take her hands in his and run over her delicate fingers with his own calloused ones. “ I’m just so bad at dating, I wish we could just skip that part.”

He expected her to run away screaming but instead she just leaned forward and kissed his knuckles. “Well then, we are in Bree.”

“Bree.”

And in a synchronised motion their eyes turned to the chapel across the street.

* * *

The organ played the wedding march and a stroke of genius washed over Thorin. Before the priest could say anything he rushed and whispered into the ear of the old woman playing and the strains of the Misty Mountains were heard.

“Honey, that’s our song!” She looked up at him adoringly and pulled him down by the collar of his starched white work shirt.

And they shared their first kiss as man and wife


End file.
